Samantha's Ramblings...

Thank goodness it's almost the weekend!! YAAY!! I am so bored with my job. It is not even funny!! I have so little to do that I have to go impossibly slow to make it last. I can't afford to get off early all the time.

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I think that I am having issues...I'm not sure particularly what they are about but all I want to do is cry. And I am mean to everyone. :0( I am upset because I am still having weight issues...I am upset because I am ready for this 6 month diet to be over with so that I can have surgery and get on with losing weight....I am upset that my husband has to stay at a job that he is not particularly fond of because I need the insurance....I am upset because I am lonely.....I just have lots of issues and I don't know how to voice them to anyone to make it better.

I have to go sometime in the next month or so to a psychologist for my psych eval that my insurance and surgeon require before surgery to make sure that I know all the risks and complications of the surgery and everything that I have to do afterwards. I am ready!!

I kind of freaked out yesterday on the insurance lady at the surgeons office because I had a moment that I thought I was doing something wrong and that my doctor was not doing everything that he is supposed to to help me get approved. She told me not to worry that she was going to request the notes again in a few weeks to make sure that he is writing down what he is supposed to. I also have to have a nutrition appointment. I also need to go to a support group meeting because if all goes well it will only be 3 more months before I get a date for surgery.

I have stopped writing down what I eat everyday although I think I should start again. I just have a lot on my mind with everything and I don't have time or patience.

I feel like I am a burden to everyone because they have their own lives and I am alone (except for Zach of course) but there is only so much conversation that you can have with a 5 year old....even if he is a smart one.

I am scared that my health is going to go down and I am going to die before I have this surgery done. I just don't know anymore. What if my insurance does deny me? what will I do then? I can't afford a loan to get it done....i don't want to ask anyone for money....I just feel helpless. And I know that in 2 months and 2 weeks I will look back on this and probably laugh at myself for being such a retard about it but right now....I want to pull my hair out....I wish I could speed up time!! (at least until July and then it can go back to the way it was)

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I have some new things to add to my list of thing I want to achieve!!

~~Be able to cross my legs.
~~Not have arthritis in my knees because of my weight.
~~Be approved for surgery!! (This should be #1!!)

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Well have a good weekend!! :0)